depression

would sumone slap me at d face n scream..
"wake up belle!!!"

i'm weakened by d problems.
i'm demoralized by all d sayings.
i'm fantasized by all d promises.

stop living in ur dreams belle.
*one side of me screamed*

keep on living in ur dreams.it makes u happy ryte??
*another side whispered*

this poem reflects what i feel ryte now...*sigh*

Depression is being lonely in a room full of people

Depression is being constantly tired but never able to sleep

Depression is longing to be with others
yet not being able to cope with company

Depression makes you lose your appetite and eat yourself fat

Depression is smiling to hide the pain inside

Depression is when the soul dies but the body keeps on living

Depression is forgetting who you used to be

Depression is not knowing if you could survive without it

Depression is being sad when nothing is wrong

Depression is not caring whether you live or die

Depression is having no interest in the things you used to love

Depression is lying awake for hours in bed at night
contemplating the best way to kill yourself only to realize that you can’t be bothered.

mode:: emotionless

running away.

yes.
dat's wut i'm doing ryte now.
running away.
from what?

so stupid.
damn stupid.
urghhh!~

come back here spirit.
come back here inspiration.
come back here motivation.

huggie wooggie anyone??
hmmm~ :'(

kill me.

back in UKM!!
damn boringg..
i noe it's a bit early to be in ukm..(sat nyte)
but i need a place where i can be alone..

headache.
i just dunno wut to do.
i kept on pretending.
dat i'm happy with my life ryte now.
ouh.when will diz end?

moral support ain't enuff for me ryte now.
i need sumthing to keep me sane.

my heart's beating faster.
i feel like i wanna rip it off my chest n throw it away.
i dun wanna live in such hell anymore..

loved.hated.survived.

pregnant?

sorry for d post title.
just wanna make it sound a bit more catchy.
hahaha

tired of throwing up.
immediately after eating.

i want to eat.
i pity my tummy for being empty after all d puking sessions.
but,it's weird.
i'm not hungry!

ouh dear lord,what's happening to me?

i felt so weak after d fainting incident.
my head's still not ok.
now,this?
non stop throwing up like a pregnant woman.
damn!~

raya is totally over for me.
instead,it's not even there for me.
LOL.

back to reality belle.
u got a hell pile of assignments.
with d international law mid term.
not to forget.
programs for d university.
when will i ever gonna stop being a uni student?
exhausted.

ouh.
i still dun hve a decision bout one thing.
it's bout d ASEAN UNIVERSITY CRICKET GAME.
offered as a Liaison Officer for one of the country participating.
it's in November i think.
one prob,my dad didnt allow me to involve diz tyme.
he said,there'll be loads of Indians.n their way of socialising is diff.
wth??!

i mixed around diff people everyday.
i involved with diz kind of thing b4.
wuts d diff??
i noe how to adapt myself wif people around me.
plz let me involve wif diz one..
pweeez~
*it looks good on my CV too..wink2~

talking bout CV.
i remembered wut my aunt said yesterday.
"truskan blaja.t dah kawen,tak bley nak kuar umah dah."
hahahah..
but my mom n dad ckp cmni..
"keja je la billa.high maintainance sgt kmu nih"
naseb la..
heheheh

wuteva.
i wont get married if i dun reach at least master level.
i wont get married if i dun have a house n a car.(own effort)

but then my friend said.
"sape nak kawen ngan pompuan pandai2 babe?"
i simply answered.
"sape swuh die 'pandai' sgt...xyah kawen la kalo tak sekufu"

btw,d world's changing gurls.
open up ur mind.
if ur so0o0 depending on others.
wut will happen to u if they r not around?
weak?dying?helpless?
or USELESS??

stand on ur feet.
work hard.
be independent.
who else can help u if it's not urself?

be a beauty with a brain.

mode:: saying goodbye to holiday soon!

p/s:: i need to get out of this miserable life real fast!

fainted..

it's 5th raya i think..
time to start fasting again people.
burn d fats of raya!
hohoho

new story for u guys.
u can laugh.
but it's really hard for me to accept it.
yesterday i went to hospital tunku jaafar,n9.
to visit my uncle.
first of all,i think it would be ok for me to be in a hospital.
after a long tyme~
but then,i started feeling weird.
i thought it's bcoz i'm fasting...
then suddenly,i fell.
i dunno for how long.
but when i'm conscious again.
my dad is holding me..

ouh.
i dunno wut to do.
traumatized by d old incident.
so sorry uncle.
i guess ur a lot more stronger than i am...
huhuhu

Eid Mubarak

i dun celebrate raya dat much.
but i just wanna wish u guys..
Selamat Hari Raya!
Maaf Zahir n Batin..

so sorry for all d things i'd done.
so sorry for all the words i'd said.
so sorry if i make u jealous of me.
so sorry if i make u hate me.
so sorry if ur so sick of me.

i can't help it.
being such an ignorant,heartless bitch.
which i think i did dat unconsciously..

classmates.
u guys are so wonderful.
3years is such a short period of time to be with u guys.
so sorry if i make noise in classes.
so sorry if i talk nonsense during lectures.
so sorry if i interrupt d class when i came late.
few more months to go.
hope it'll be d most great moments in our life..

kesayangans.
love u babes sho much!!!
thnx 4 always being there.
thnx for all d laughs n stupid jokes.
thnx 4 forcing me to smile during d hardest time of my life..
i wish i could freeze d tyme.*ouh*

l'homme de ma vie.
thnx 4 being there.
thnx 4 d support.
thnx 4 listening.
thnx 4 everything.
je t'aime.
tu me manques.

p/s: i spent nearly 200bucks d very 1st hour i came back to subang jaya.damn!~

angel love devil~

what did i do to myself?
i let myself believe.
keep on believing.
keep on holding on.
keep on being so strong.
but i end up being hurt.

should i stay?
should i leave?
should i believe?
should i hate?
should i let go?
should i pretend?

or should i just cry??

i please everyone.
i even pleased people dat i don't even know.
for what??

be a good girl nabilah.
my mom said dat to me.
ouh.
i'm so fucking tired of being such an angel to everyone else.
n yet,i'm hurt,used,ignored...

being a bitch is great.
we make people suffer.
we make people who make us suffer felt the same way too.

ouh..
been there.
done that.
no more d bitchy belle.
it's a big NO in my life right now.

but what if i came back being d bitchy belle??
would i be happier?
would people hurt me again n again?

sick n tired of being such an angel..
stop being good to other people belle.
stop making others happy.
instead ur making a poker face.

stop hurting me.
stop it.
stop it.
stop it!!

one of my friend said.
let them be.
they didn't realize how special u are..
they didn't know they will lose someone great from their life if they make u suffer..
keep moving on.
there's a lot more waiting in front of u..
there will be people who'll catch u when u fall..
there are persons who love u more than u know..

so god.
i thank you.
for all diz.
u make me realize.
life's easy.

biatch!

i can't help it.
i smiled.
even though i'm hurt by d truth.
that hurts like hell.

but now,when it happens again.
i can't help but just smile.
smile to god.
smiling bcz my heart aches.
crazy belle~

cz u noe y?
i WIN..
i'm so sorry for winning.
but it's d truth.
people,just admit it.
i'm good.
real good.
and such a bad ass gurl.
*i noe*

i'm so sorry.
ur place is taken.
it's not dat easy.
but still, i managed to hurt u.

i'm sorry i hurt u.
i'm sorry we cant be 2gether.
i'm sorry i can still smile.
i'm so sorry u have to see me again.
i'm so sorry.

mie..
sorry belle cakap cmtu.
sorry belle terpaksa wat cmtu.
i explained.
i hope u accept it.
so sorry..

to sumone.
just admit dat ur losing.
losing real bad.
coz it serves u ryte.
i cant help but laughing.
laughing for d fact ur losing.
HAHAHA

to self.
be strong.
keep smiling.
wipe those tears away.
dun regret.
if it happens dat ur cheated again.
let god decides d punishment of a misuse of trust.

ouh belle.
ur such a bad gurl.
but who cares?
it's d price they have to pay for messing up with me.

stop crying.
move on.
life's great ahead.
if u kept on believing.
be tough.
u can do diz.
let time heal ur heart.
let love lead the way~

it's funny how life play with u isn't it??

confessions

somebody plz...
wipe away my tears..
it hurts..
like hell!
and all i can do is just cry..

i can't even breathe.

i can't even think.

i can't even find the right words to say.

i can't be any more upset than now.

my hands are shaking..

i'm so afraid i can't get thru another phase of frustration..

i can't afford to lose d one i love d most ryte now~

god,plz.
help me thru diz.
like u helped me b4..
plz god plz.
i'm begging u..
not now.
not him.
don't..
plz,just don't~

all bout me.

this is upon request people.

born on 29th oct 88 at Pantai Medical Centre.
stayed for while in Cheras.
then moved to Subang Jaya in 1990/1992.
went to pre-school.(Impian,Ladybird)
went to primary school on 1995.
SK ASSUNTA (1),PJ and SRAKM,PJ
passed my UPSR wif 5As.
went to secondary school.
SMK USJ 4 for about 2months.
transfered to MRSMKK,N9 til 2003.
passed my PMR wif 8As.
offered to MRSM K.Berang,Terengganu.
transfered to MRSMPC,Kelantan.
passed my SPM wif 8As,2BS.
went for PLKN JAN-MAC 06 at Setiu.
gone through a hell lot of interviews.
refused to go to some.
sum of d offers i got:

• MMU (law)
• UTP (business n ict)
• sumwhere in Indon (medic)
• UiTM (asasi law)
• Perak Matriculation College

choosed to go to UiTM.
1 year of happiness n struggle.
passed with 3.67
tercicir dr list utk Law UiTM.
got scholarship offer from Yale n Lincoln.
my mom refused to send me to UK.
registered in UKM (07/08)
now,i'm a final year student in International Relations..

who am i?
a care-free gurl.
i do wut i want.when i want.
dats y my parents send me to boarding school.

i dyed my hair during 1st month of secondary school.
nearly dismissed from school during F3 (JDM-mrsm peeps should noe diz term)
i skipped schools.
i didnt go to classes.
blacklisted by warden during d 1st week in Kelantan.
i didnt follow d school uniform rules.(chased n scolded by warden every morning!)
i sleep in my room during physics class.
i purposely failed my biology test d whole year of F4.
dats y i do love being away from my family..
even though at dat time,kelantan didnt have much entertainment..=)

university life..
i changed.
wilder.to0 care-free.
if i'm not at home during weekends.
it means i'm out wif my fwens+bf.
evn though my house is like 10minutes away from uitm.
a bit down when my mom didnt let me go to UK.
she said:: "u'll be there alone.no one else got d same offer as u.."
not in d mood for studying in UKM.
i'm a rebel.
went out at night.overnytes.
i just do wuteva i want.
cz i didnt hve a bf at dat tyme.
he cant accept dat i'm more bz than he is.
he cant accept i have meetings at nights.
i said,"if u cant accept me for who i am,then leave."
and my mom is always nagging me.
be good.dun be too frustrated.
i just said,i wish u send me to UK.
so i can do anything.huhuhu

experienced a lot handling programs,big events.
it kept me busy.
it's good for me.
coz i wont be crying over my lost.
grown up.
ups n downs in life.
n now here i am.
planning to further my studies abroad after diz.
or should i just work here 1st?
hmmppph~
(got offer from Telekom.in corporate communication.n another offer as a programmer.)

there's a lot more bout me.
i wont elaborate.
i'll just list it down.
i'm too picky bout wut i eat.(farah knows most of d things i dun eat)
i'm a smoker.
i have more guy fwens than gurl fwens.
i dun like to comb my long hair.
i hate gardening.
the list goes on and on and on....
blablabla...

wont talk much.
enough ok?
ask me if u wanted to noe more than d above...
ngee!~


mode:: fattening..


discovery:: i cant have too much choc,i cant drink milo...*migrain*


p/s:: je suis desolee mon cher...je t'aime!~

upside down..

i dun understand.
he's d one i want all d tyme.
cant he notice dat?

it's not dat i pushed him aside if i didnt tell him sumthing.
it's just dat he's not there at dat moment.
n i was like hell needing sumone 2 talk to..
so there comes d third party.

it's not dat ur not d top priority..
u are!
n it'll always be dat way precious..

i'm so sorry.
so sorry.
sorry times million!

darling plz.
forgive me..
i luv u..
ur my everything..

dun feel like i abandoned u.
dun think dat i'm comfortable wif anyone else rather than u.
dun think i can tell evrything to anybody else but u..

so plz.
forgive me..
it's u..
and it'll always be u..
d person i want d most at all tyme..

*hugs n kisses*

breathing

ouh2..
love is in d air people!!!
wut a great life isnt it??

moon's happy.
i cant say anything more to her.
she decided to wait.
all i can do is give full support..
bonne chance mon amie!

wut else??
i'm thinking bout a trip to pangkor diz raya..
instead,my mom booked d bukit merah resort..
duh!~

nvrmnd..
maybe i can persuade my dad to bring me to sabah!
wo0o0o0t2!~
dun care..
nak jugak pegi tmpat laen pas g bukit merah..
cuz it's damn boring there n i'll get sunburn..
hate it!

so people..
after d raya holiday.
dun ask me how great my raya was.
how much i eat during raya.
how much duit raya i got.
how many open houses i went during raya.
how many relatives i've visited.
cuz i just dun have d mood of raya like u guys have.
dunno why..
but it's just not there.
for 6 years.
(sum of my fwens noe y..)

i'm happy for u guys.
so0o0o0 excited to go back home.
celebrating raya.
ouh.
i wish i could have that kind of feelings too..
but dun worry.
if my mom do happen to buy kuih raya.
i'll bring sum for u guys.
coz we in d house dun eat kuih raya.
it's just for d purpose "to make d table have sumthing to put"..
hahaha

asal tbe2 cter pasal raya ehh?
busyan gler..
okesh..
i do need sumthing to cheer me up this 1week raya holiday.
listed down few things:

• new perfume
• heels
• handbags
• cinema

diz week at clz i'll be hearing questions such as..
"ko balik bila?"
"tiket bus ko bila weyh?"
hohoho..
sonok gler jawab soklan mreka camni..
"kalo tiket ktm abes skali pon.aku tak akan risau"
lalalalala~

happy raya guys!
it's less than 2weeks more.
i noe..i noe..
u guys are excited..
i'm excited too!
1week of clear roads.
1week of half full cinema.
1 week of less people in malls.
woah!~

enough bout raya.
it's less than 2weeks for me to start doing sumthing bout my ASSgments.
ouh2.
plus d kursus diz weekend.
damn!
i'm so god damn lazy...

my brother will have his wedding day diz coming february!
i noe it's like months away.
but my mom dah kecoh bout wut to wear.
i want a vogue want.*laces i mean*
but she refused!
urgggh~

i'll come back to u guys when i hve sumthing cursed.

p/s: final destination 4 is not like wut i expect it to be..duh~

"The demand to be loved is the greatest of all arrogant presumptions."

black hole

becoming more n more lazy each day.

insomnia.
i think maybe dats y i've always been sleepy..
*plus lazy*
it has been couple of weeks people.
i cant sleep at nyte.
weird though.
coz i'm not thinking bout anything.
tried so hard to sleep.
but i just can pretend dat i'm sleeping.
in fact,i'm pretty much awake..

so much happening.
yet i couldnt care less.

yes.
i am ignoring every single thing happening around me.
i dun care.
and i dun wanna care.

cuz i cant be mad towards sumone for a long tyme.
cuz i cant hate others.
cuz i dun wanna hurt anybody.
cuz i hate crying..

sorry to my fellow fwens.
especially d student committee of d faculty.
i dun attend meetings like for decades.*i noe*
i dun involve in few programs.*sorry*
so sorry.
it's not dat i dun wanna involve in anything.
it's just dat i'm so caught up in my own cocoon of problem.
i cant make myself free to think bout anything else.
*forgive me*

everybody is in d mood of raya.
i cant even feel d urge to celebrate raya like others.
i dun evn bother to shop for baju kurungs,scarfs n all dat.
it's my mom who always think i should have a new baju kurung each raya.
d purpose of dat piece of clothing is only for solat raya n going to my grandma's house
*which is like 5 minutes from my house*
then it will stay in my closet.
duhh~
*such a waste of money aite??*

ouh raya.
wuteva~
dun care bout raya for about 5-6 years already..
*sigh*

back to reality..

got 1 more presentation.
sumting bout d China's economy wutsoeva la.
i'm d last person who will present in clz.
hopefully xsmpat present.
hahahah

last friday presented my international environmental law slides.
Dr Aru said."good job.well done.perfect presentation."
bangga gler siot.
wakakaka~
coz i nvr do my slides 1 day b4 presentation.
it will always be 1 week before.
if it happens to be 1 day before,it means i already finished my essay.
huhuhuhu

got 4 essays to submit.
didnt start anything yet.
gosh,plz gve me d courage to stay focus reading d books n write an essay.
huhuhu

stop whining belle.
do ur work.
plus watch muvees in between dat.
hahaha

ok.
i'm done people.
sorry for babbling stupid stuffs.
btw,it's my blog aite?
who cares?

mode:: mish him sho much~

Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get-only with what you are expecting to give-which is everything..

hate this part right here

this post is for my fwen,mo0n.
been hurt by a stupid guy.
a guy who only knows how to say sweet words..
sweet words dat can be said by anybody.
to anyone they want.

but if u like a girl.
prove it.
dun just simply say dat u like her.
but no efforts were made,no sign showing u really want her.
and all u can do is just sit there,being jealous,controlling,hurting people,making her cry.
i hate that part..

dun blame her if she walk away out of ur lyfe.
dun blame her if she's happy with another guy n ur hurt by dat fact.
dun blame her if u dun meet a girl dat can replace her.
and at dat tyme,one thing i can say to ur face.
serve u ryte!

slpas bersukaria mamam ikan siakap yg besh tadi.
terdgr lagu neyh..
sgt seswai..
babe,aku nyanyi utk ko..
ekhlas neyh..
hik3~

Tak Mungkin kerna Sayang-Alyah

Setiba di persimpangan,
Langkah kita tak lagi sehaluan
Bermula di saat itu
Tidak senada irama dan lagu

Begitu hidup ini
Tiada yang abadi
Yang patah tumbuh
Yang hilang berganti

Kau telah jauh, jauh dariku
Tiada ruang di hati buatmu
Namun harusku akui
Ada ketika di minda kau menjelma kembali

Sekali segala ada
Ada rindu yang datang tiba-tiba
Tak mungkin kerana sayang
Cuma terganggu oleh perasaan

Begitu hidup ini
Tiada yang abadi
Yang patah tumbuh
Yang hilang berganti

babe,bukan pe.
carik laen la.
tak guna ko terseksa utk laki yg xde wt pape utk ko.
kalo stakat ckp die syg,die igt kt ko stiap mse..
mapley kt ss15 tu pn bley ckp die igt kt ko..
sebab..
aku tak bole tgok ko nanges.
aku tak bole tgok ko mamam sket..*hahahaha*
aku tak bole tgok mke ko asek ketat jer..
babe,lupakan je la..

switch back to my life.

nothing interesting happened.
still d same blur belle.

lost
unstable
unsecure

mode::updating own lyfe~

p/s:: it's just another weekend.*hibernating mode*

transformation

it's september already!!!
wut i've done through out diz short 5th semester??
hurmm..
yeah!
i remember wut i did..

• spending money
• wasting time
• fooling around
• finding life
• trying to be happy
• faking smiles
• hiding sorrows

ouh.
loads of stuffs going on around me.
inside of me especially.
trying to ignore it completely.
but i just can't!
duhh~

never mind.
i'm still breathing.
gone through a lot before this.
nothing can make me weak..
is it??

things will get better in time.
let time heals me.
let love lead my way.

things dat keep me sane:

• lecturers
• great gurlfwens
• reminders on list of assignments
• mom's nag
  
• constant gravity reaction
• frequent meetings,programs

thanks to all.
for the support.
for the care.
for the reminders.
for taking me back to reality.
most important..
for keeping me sane.

transformation of life is happening.
my life i mean.
total change.
permanent changes?
hopefully~

my friends notice it.
they noticed it earlier than me.
it shows that i dont really care bout what's happening to me.
radical changes they said.
it's like..
"the new belle"

what did change?
what makes me change?
is it for the good of me?
or it's not?

coz i've try to change before this.
trying damn hard.
but in the end..
i got myself cheated,frustrated,left hopelessly~
twice!

changing for the third time.
let make this happen god.
plz..
let me be~